WHAT IS GRIEF?

Grief is a normal and natural, though often deeply painful, response to loss. The death of a loved one is the most common way we think of loss, but many other significant changes in one's life can involve loss and therefore grief. The profound changes resulting from the tsunami and its continuing aftermath may cause a painful grief reaction.

Everyone experiences loss and grief at some time. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief is likely to be.

Grieving these losses is important to our emotional and physical health. Each individual experiences and expresses grief differently. For example, one person may withdraw and feel helpless, while another might be angry and want to take some action. No matter what the reaction, the grieving person needs the support of others.

The Process of Grieving

The process of grieving in response to a significant loss requires time, patience, courage, and support. The grieving person will likely experience many changes throughout the process. Many writers and helpers have described these changes beginning with an experience of shock, followed by a long process of suffering, and finally a process of recovery. These processes are described below.

Shock is often the initial reaction to loss. Shock is the person's emotional protection from being too suddenly overwhelmed by the loss. The grieving person may feel stunned, numb, or in disbelief concerning the loss. While in shock the person may not be able to make even simple decisions. Friends and family may need to simply sit, listen, and assist with the person's basic daily needs. Shock may last a matter of minutes, hours, or (in severely traumatic losses) days.

Suffering is the long period of grief during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss. The suffering process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as an overall sense of life seeming chaotic and disorganized. The duration of the suffering process differs with each person, partly depending on the nature of the loss experienced. Some common features of suffering include:

• Sadness. Sadness is perhaps the most common feeling found in grief. Sadness is often triggered by reminders of the loss and its permanence. Sadness may become quite intense and be experienced as emptiness or despair. It is often but not necessarily manifested in crying and related to a variety of other feeling
• Anger. Anger can be one of the most confusing feelings for the grieving person. Anger is a frequent response to feeling powerless, frustrated, or even abandoned. Anger is also a common response to feeling threatened; a significant loss can threaten a person's basic beliefs about self and about life in general. Consequently, anger may be directed at self, at God, at life in general for the injustice of the loss, for others involved, or, in the case of death, at the deceased for dying.
• Guilt. Guilt and less extreme self-reproach are common reactions to things the griever did or failed to do before the loss. For example, a griever may reproach him/herself for hurtful things said, loving things left unsaid, not having been kind enough when the chance was available, actions not taken that might have conveyed love, etc.
• Anxiety. Anxiety can range from mild insecurity to strong panic reactions; it can also be fleeting or persistent. Often, grievers become anxious about their ability to take care of themselves following a loss. Also they may become concerned about the well being of other loved ones.
• Physical, behavioral and cognitive symptoms. Often, grief is accompanied by periods of fatigue, loss of motivation or desire for things that were once enjoyable, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, confusion, preoccupation, and loss of concentration.

Suffering is often the most painful and protracted stage for the griever, but it is still necessary. For most people, these many emotional and physical reactions are common symptoms that will stabilize and diminish with time as the person moves through the grieving process. If these symptoms persist, it may be important to seek professional help.

Recovery, the goal of grieving, is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss. Instead, the goal is to reorganize one's life so that the loss is one important part of life rather than the center of one's life. As recovery takes place, the individual is better able to accept the loss, resume a “normal“ life, and to reinvest time, attention, energy and emotion into other parts of life. The loss is still felt, but the loss has become part of the griever's more typical feelings and experiences.

In Summary, when an individual is in shock, behavior becomes mechanical. When an individual is suffering, feelings and behaviors are experienced as somewhat out of one's control, while in recovery, an individual's behaviors are based on your own free choice.

The Tasks of Healty Grieving

Healthy grieving is an active process of working through the impact of loss; it takes more than simply the passage of time for healing to occur. One way of understanding the work to be done is to think of grieving as a series of tasks we need to complete (not necessarily in sequence):

Task 1:

Accept the Reality of the Loss

The first task to healthy grieving is to work toward accepting the reality, and the finality, of the loss. This can be very difficult because of the feelings of shock and numbness you may feel (especially with a sudden, unexpected death). A grieving person struggles to accept the fact that the loss is real, face the meaning of the loss, and acknowledge the irreversible nature of the loss. Talking about it, revisiting it, participating in social rituals, etc. will all help make the loss real.

Task 2:Experience the Pain of the Loss

The second task often begins when the full reality of the loss sets in. The work here is to acknowledge the intense pain, and express the full range of feelings we experience as a result of the loss. If you do not accept the loss and experience the pain, and if you try to ignore your feelings, grief will keep resurfacing throughout your life and interfere with a healthy emotional state of being. By holding in feelings, we do nothing about them except hold them - we put our emotional life on hold, which prevents healing.

Task 3:

Adjust to Living Without

This task requires us to adjust to a life in which the person, object, or experience is gone. It is important to accommodate to a new life, to keep going every day, to continue with your usual activities. You may need to learn new skills and tasks in order to assume responsibility for your own life.

Task 4:

Reinvest Energy in New People, Ideas, Places

This task requires you to reorganize and renew your life. You must withdraw energy spent on the lost person, place, dream, etc., and reinvest your energy in a world that has changed. You have to invest in new relationships with new people. It is time to 'say good-bye,' to move to a new peace with the loss. As you emotionally detach from the lost person and invest in others, your healing becomes more complete. This task is often the most difficult task of mourning, and the most likely to go undone.

Some Ways to Grieve

Good friends, family members, or counselor can all be helpful to you and you can also do a good deal to help yourself.

Active, healthy grieving requires balance -- balancing the time you spend directly working on your grief with the time you spend coping with your day-to-day life; balancing the amount of time you spend with others with the time you spend alone; balancing seeking help from others with caring for yourself.

The following actions have been found useful in the process of healthy grieving. We hope that these ideas will be helpful to you and will stimulate your thinking to generate additional healthy behaviors.

Remember that grieving is an active process, it takes energy that will likely have to be temporarily withdrawn from the usual pursuits of your life. Treat yourself with the same care, tolerance, and affection you would extend to a valued friend in a similar situation.

• Go gently -- take whatever time you need, rather than giving yourself a deadline for when you should be “over it”;
• Expect and accept some reduction in your usual efficiency and consistency;
• Try to avoid taking on new responsibilities or making major life decisions for a time;
• Talk regularly about your grief and your memories with someone you trust;
• Accept help and support when offered;
• Be particularly attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleeping patterns;
• Exercise moderately and regularly;
• Keep a journal;
• Read -- there are many helpful books on grief; some are listed below. If grief is understood it may be easier to handle;
• Plan, and allow yourself to enjoy without guilt, some GOOD TIMES. The goal is balance, not martyrdom;
• Carry or wear a linking object -- a keepsake that symbolically reminds you of your loss. Anticipate the time in the future when you no longer need to carry this reminder and gently let it go;
• Tell those around you what helps you and what doesn't. Most people would like to help if they know how;
• Take warm, leisurely baths;
• Talk with a counselor;
• Get a massage regularly;
• Set aside a specific private time daily to remember and experience whatever feelings arise with the memories;
• Choose your entertainment carefully -- some movies, TV shows, or books can only over-intensify already strong feelings;
• Join a support group -- people have a wonderful capacity to help each other;
• Plan for 'special days' such as holidays or anniversaries. Feelings can be particularly intense at these times;
• Pray;
• Take a yoga class;
• Connect on the Internet. There are many resources for people in grief, as well as opportunities to chat with fellow grievers;
• Vent your anger in healthy ways, rather than holding it in. A brisk walk or a game of tennis can help;
• Speak to a member of the clergy;
• Plant yourself in nature;
• Do something to help someone else;
• Write down your lessons. Healthy grieving will have much to teach you.

Obstacles to Grieving

Grief is a misunderstood and neglected process in life. Because responding to death and loss is often awkward, uncomfortable, even frightening for both grievers and friends, those concerned may avoid dealing with grief. This can make the experience more lonely and unhappy than it might be otherwise.

In addition, society promotes many misconceptions about grief that may actually hinder the grieving process that follow loss. For example, many believe it necessary to try to change how a grieving friend is feeling and may do so by making statements such as, “You must be strong,“ “You have to get on with your life,“ or “It's good that he didn't have to suffer.“ Such clichés may help the one saying them, but are rarely helpful to the griever. Society also promotes the misconception that it is not appropriate to show emotions except at certain specific times (for example a funeral,), and that recovery should be complete within a certain period of time (for example six months). A helper needs to avoid these and other ways of minimizing a person's grief. Those experiencing grief reactions need to be encouraged to recover in their own manner an d time.

Guidelines for Helping

Helpers often ask questions such as: “What should I do? What should I say? Am I doing the right thing? Did I do the wrong thing?“ Here are some suggestions for helping the person in grief.

• Make contact. Make a phone call, send a card, attend the funeral, bake and deliver cookies. Don't let discomfort, fear, or uncertainty stand in the way of making contact and being a friend.
• Provide practical help. It's usually not enough to say, “If there's anything I can do, let me know.“ Decide on a task you can help with and make the offer.
• Be available and accepting. Accept the words and feelings expressed, avoid being judgmental or taking their feelings personally, avoid telling them how they should feel or what they should do.
• Be a good listener. Many in grief need to talk about their loss; the person, related events, and their reactions. Allow grievers to tell their stories and express their feelings. Be patient and accepting of their expressions.
• Exercise patience. Give bereaved people “permission“ to grieve for as long or short a time as needed. Make it clear that there is no sense of “urgency“ when you visit or talk. Remember, there are no shortcuts.
• Encourage self-care. Encourage bereaved people to attend to physical needs, postpone major decisions, allow themselves to grieve and to recover. At the same time, they may need your support in getting back into activities and making decisions.
• Model good self-care. It's important for you to maintain a realistic and positive perspective, to maintain your own life and responsibilities, and to seek help when you feel overwhelmed or don't know how to handle a situation.

Additional Information:

For more information on the grieving process here are a few excellent references:

Colgrove, Bloomfield & McWilliams (1976). How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Leo Press: NY.

Kreis, B. & Patty, A. (1969). Up From Grief: Patterns of Recovery. Harper and Row, San Francisco.

Rando, Therese (1988) How to go on Living when Someone You Love Dies. Lexington Books: Lexington, MA.

Staudacher, Carol. (1987) Beyond Grief: a Guide for Recovering from the Death of a Loved One. New Harbinger Publications: Oakland, CA.

Staudacher, Carol (1995) A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One.. Harper: San Francisco.

Tatelbaum, Judy (1984) The Courage to Grieve. Perennial Books: NY.

Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) can Help

Individual Counseling: If you would like to talk confidentially with a professional counselor, contact CAPS at 752-0871. CAPS staff provides crisis intervention and individual counseling to registered UC Davis students.

Outreach Programs: CAPS staff will also come to your intact group and facilitate a discussion or provide a program on the process of grief.