RESOURCES FOR PARENTS OF STUDENTS

As a parent, you wish for the best for your child. If your son or daughter experiences difficulty while a UC Davis student, CAPS is available to consult with you about your child's experiences and your concerns. This page provides you information about how to access staff at CAPS.

 

Welcome Parents! - This section of our website has been developed to provide you information and resources to increase your understanding of common psychological issues that may be experienced by you and your daughter/son. The Help Your Daughter/Son page provides an overview of important issues related to your daughter/son's well-being while at UC Davis. In addition, this section provides helpful campus links and self-help resources.

I would like to thank the UC San Diego Psychological and Counseling Services for the basic framework for this webpage.

Feel free to view the CAPS presentation given to parents at Orientation: How can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away (PPT)

Emil Rodolfa, Ph.D.
Director

 

Helping Your Daughter/Son

So you and your daughter/son have finally begun the transition to UC Davis! All the hard work over years has finally paid off - s/he is now in college! Congratulations!!! This is a most exciting time for everyone, with much change and adjustment. As is the case with any new experience, having your daughter or son go to college can not only be exhilarating but also stressful. Along with the excitement of a new, important change, can come anxiety, worry, and questions about many things:

 

At CAPS, we recognize that these concerns are common to many parents and family members. We hope this page will provide some helpful answers to these important questions.

 

Understanding the Transition to UC Davis

For your daughter or son, college will likely be a period of intellectual stimulation and growth, career exploration and development, increased autonomy, self-exploration and discovery, and social involvement. During this period, your children may forge new identities or seek to clarify their values and beliefs. This may require an examination of self, friends, and family. It may also be a time for exploration and experimentation, and a period in which your children may question or challenge the values you hold dear. The changes your children may experience can occur quickly, as they begin to develop new peer relationships, gain competence in new areas, and learn to manage independence. It is important to recognize that every child will experience his or her own unique challenges and adjustments, just as every parent will have different expectations for and reaction to their child's college experience.

Often overlooked is the fact that the college experience is a significant transition for the parents of college students, too. As parents, you may experience feelings of happiness, excitement, and pride when your children leave for college. At the same time, you may feel a sense of sadness and pain and have many understandable fears and concerns about your children's future and well-being. You may worry about your children's safety and ability to care effectively for themselves. You may fear “losing” your children as they begin to function more independently and forms deep attachments with peers. You may be concerned about how your children will deal with alcohol, drugs, and sexual relationships. You may also wonder how your children's performance in college will reflect on you as the parent.

 

Here are some ways you might support your children:

Although your children want and need to become more autonomous during this period, it is important for them to know you are still available. Maintaining a supportive relationship with them can be critical, particularly during their first year of college. If you and your children were not particularly close prior to their leaving home, it is still important for you to convey your support. You may be surprised to find that some space and distance from your children can help improve your relationships with them.

It is important to maintain regular contact with your children, but also to allow space for your children to approach you and set the agenda for some of your conversations. Let your children know that you respect and support their right to make independent decisions and that you will serve as an advocate and an advisor when asked. Finally, recognize that is normal for your children to seek your help one day and reject it the next. Such behavior can be confusing and exhausting for parents, so make sure to take care of yourself by talking about your feelings with your own support system.

Be realistic and specific with your children about financial issues, including what you will and will not pay for, as well as your expectations for how they will spend money.

It is also important to be realistic about your children's academic performance, recognizing that not every straight-A student in high school will be a straight-A student in college. Help your children set reasonable academic goals; and encourage them to seek academic assistance when needed.

The fact that your children have left home does not necessarily prevent family problems from arising or continuing. Refrain from burdening your children with problems from home they have no control over and can do nothing about. Sharing these problems with your children may cause them to worry excessively and even feel guilty that they are away from home and unable to help.

Find out contact information for people involved in the various aspects of your children's college experience. If you have questions, or if a particular problem arises, UC Davis has many units available to provide you and your son or daughter assistance. Check our resource page to locate helpful departments.

 

Here are some ways you might support yourself:

Recognize that it is normal to have mixed feelings when your children leave home. Feelings of pain and loss often accompany separation from loved ones. It is also normal to feel a sense of relief when your children leave for college, and to look forward to some time alone, or with your significant other, or with your younger children.

Do your best to maintain your own sense of well-being. This may involve eating and sleeping well, exercising, and setting new and creative goals for yourself. Perhaps this is a good time to do some of things you put off while your children were growing up-taking on a project or hobby can be an excellent way to channel your energy and feelings.

 

How is my daughter/son doing?

During any particular day or week, your son or daughter may seem to be handling everything wonderfully. You may wonder “Why was I so concerned?” Then again, the next time you talk to him or her, they might paint a completely different picture…“I hate it here!”…“I don't have what it takes”…“I'm not like the other students.” These are very common concerns and feelings expressed by students. Just keep in mind that with any change, there is always a period of adjustment. And with adjustment, there may be both excitement and distress. Remind your daughter/son that these are common feelings, and share with them how their existing strengths and coping skills will help them get through this period of adjustment.

 

How can I tell if my daughter/son is in distress?

As mentioned in the previous answer, there is a normal period of adjustment to college that includes both excitement and stress. Sometimes this adjustment can be as long as 6 months to a year. However, if over time you notice that your daughter or son is not coping well (e.g., is not acting like her/his “normal self,” grades are declining, withdrawal from family and friends), you may consider suggesting that she/he seek assistance from a psychologist at CAPS. You can visit our Resource Page for information about a variety of other topics relevant to college students.

 

How am I doing with the change?

It is not uncommon for parents to experience the well-known “empty nest” syndrome when their daughter/son leaves for college. They may have feelings of sadness, loss of control, and concern for what their children may be exposed to at a large university.

At the same time, many parents may feel conflicted when these feelings are mixed with excitement that comes with possibly having more independence and time. It is common to feel a wide range of emotions with this new change - from happy to sad. As is the case with your daughter/son, the adjustment to change can be difficult and may take some time. Feeling sad during this transition, however, should not prevent you from taking care of yourself. Consider viewing this change as an opportunity to focus on what you really like to do.

 

What can I expect over the next few years?

Parents can anticipate developing an adult relationship with their daughter/son. This is a new and important way of connecting with her/him, as it recognizes and acknowledges the transition of your student from child to adult. This will convey to your daughter/son that you are aware and appreciate this transition, as well as provide opportunities to relate to them in new ways. As they transition to adulthood, keep in mind that your daughter or son may not want to share every detail of their lives with you at all times. Though this may not be what you would like or are used to, it is actually developmentally appropriate as your student gains a greater sense of identity and independence.

 

How can I provide support for my student?

Providing support now will not be drastically different from how you have been doing it. Listening, communicating, and sharing are all important ingredients in letting your student know you care. Relaying these messages in a way that acknowledges the adult-to-adult relationship can build an even stronger bond. Again, keep in mind that at times they may not want to share everything with you - this is normal. But making sure they know that you care is the key (e.g., sharing your views on difficult topics, providing encouragement during times of stress, etc.). A balance of advice, encouragement, independence, and room to make mistakes can be important in conveying our support AND respect.

Though your daughter or son, may not request it, it is important that you keep in touch. Have a plan for keeping in touch. Care packages, phone calls, e-mails, pictures of special events (both at school and family fun) may be some of the nice things you can do for each other to show you may be out of sight but not out of mind.

 

A word about confidentiality and privacy

We know you agree it's important that students feel no hesitation to ask for help. Over many years of working with students, we have found that assurance of confidentiality is vital to them. If your student is over 18, he or she has the legal right to receive confidential health care.

Confidentiality is an essential part of any counseling relationship. The CAPS staff members adhere to the ethical standards of their respective professions and to state and federal laws relating to confidentiality. These standards and laws prevent us from speaking with concerned parents about their student's counseling sessions at CAPS unless we have your son/daughter's written permission. Thus, unless we have written permission, we cannot acknowledge whether your student has received service at CAPS or is making progress in counseling.

CAPS staff can make exception to confidentiality, if a student is a danger to him/herself, when we learn of child abuse,elder abuse or when we are ordered to release confidential information by a court of law.

Many students prefer to keep their counseling completely private, and such privacy is typically vital for successful counseling. Assuming your son/daughter is, however, willing to have one of the CAPS staff discuss her or his participation in counseling with you, one good way to arrange for this is by asking your student to have the CAPS staff call you during a counseling session. The staff counselor will then have your son/daughter complete and sign the release of information form. Note that, in general, counseling is best served if everything parents have to share with their student's counselor is also shared with their student.

Even if your student doesn't give her or his counselor permission to provide information to you, you may choose to contact CAPS to share your concerns about your son/daughter. Such contact may make sense, for example, if you are concerned that your child is in serious danger. Note, however, that the CAPS staff will not be able to acknowledge knowing your child.

Please contact Dr. Emil Rodolfa, director of CAPS, if you have any questions about legal and ethical confidentiality requirements or any other counseling services (direct line (530) 752-9131 or errodolfa@ucdavis.edu)

 

What resources are available for my daughter/son and me?

There are many resources available to you and your daughter or son. It is helpful for parents to be familiar our services at CAPS , as well as available Campus Resources. This way if your son or daughter needs some type of assistance, you will at least have some basic understanding of the University system and what is available for students.

For more information about mental health issues and self-help resources, visit our Resource page.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can contact CAPS at (530) 752-0871 then “0” and tell the receptionist you would like to speak with a staff psychologist.

 

Additional Resources

If you would like additional information about being a parent for a college student, consider visiting these sites:

 

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Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS)

 

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